Car Crash! (Relationships)

"The Five Minute Impact"

This is how I have described the car crashes that we call relationships.  In the grand scheme of time, our relationships with people can be attributed to about 5 minutes of such time.

When I think of the relationships I've had with people in the last 10 years, they are very much like car crashes. Lock eyes, say something or hear something interesting, smile - pursue further conversation - it happens in the blink of an eye.  After the initial impact, it's simply sorting through the differences and similarities and growing.

Since I've come to Florida, many such impacts have happened to me. God has ran so many people into my path, diverted it, supported it, or just taken me to a completely different road. He has broken me down, piece by piece - often in painful ways. Faith has kept me from succumbing and an interest in growth in Him has kept me getting up, asking for more each time. Where one breaks me down, another lifts me up. 

It's been a hell of a journey and I couldn't have done it alone. What I've learned, how I've grown, and what i've passed on to other people is all Him in me. I go now on another journey to crash into more people, and be crashed into by many more. I look forward to the stops, lurches, and breakdowns along the way - and I can only look forward to that because of the people in my life; past and present, have walked with me, held me, urged me on, torn me down in love, and built me back up again.

I'll never forget you Florida, and for all those that have watched this man travel the road less traveled; I thank you.  Without you, I am not possible. 

May God be with you all, and with me -

The 'diah.

This Journey

In 2004 I attended a church and God put his hand on me in a huge way. That day I came back in line with His will after 10 years of running - and have not looked back. I immediately wanted to 'do' a bunch of stuff, so I joined up with the youth pastor, started helping out with Wednesday's ministry - but I wasn't really feeling it. So I helped a guy start a 20 something ministry, and that didn't work out either.

During this time I wanted to enter the spiritual war and smite my enemies with holy wrath! I was on a train that led to...wait. Where was it leading to? I can tell you now, that I didn't know then that the train was a one way ticket - back to me. It was all about me.

So I fell away from the church again, started getting up late on Sundays, just meandering my way through life for a few months, and then I met this guy at Starbucks. He was the first customer in our brand new store to order a french press, and I began talking to him about coffee and the subject of church planting came up. He was part of a church plant from south Florida and a few days later I met his pastor - and the entourage he had with him. That 'chance' meeting was a major crossroad for me - and I'd find out later, for him too.

J brought a wealth of knowledge of the bible into my world, and I brought a wealth of world knowledge into him. The two of us were practically inseparable for months.  J and I poured into each other, molding, sacrificing, sharpening, dulling, revolutionizing, and re-creating each other each day. It is an experience and a growth at a magnitude and speed I've never felt in my life. Each word out of my mouth gave him a new context to connect with people, and each word out of his gave me a new context to see God.

I felt like where I had left off at my other church, I would pick up here. Small community, not fully knowing whats over the horizon, and a petri dish open to all kinds of new ideas. I was still on that train of me and I still wanted to do things within the church. The community became an idol for me, and being with them became more important then listening to God and follow His will. I wanted to be an elder, I wanted to preach sermons, I wanted to get glory - behind a mask of His glory.

Literally Roots was a group of people who met in a house, began anew at a campground lodge, then relocated to a building in Kissimmee.  By the time we had gotten to Kissimmee more than 3/4 of the original people who came to start this church - had left. Either finding other opportunities, or simply finding the theology of the church; as it defined and redefined itself - too difficult to swallow.

Right about a year ago, God put me in a position of solitude. I got a job working nights and now could not make any staff meetings, or generally be a part of the workings of the church planning. I showed up on Sunday, got my instructions and executed them. Gone was the creative brainstorming, the regular community - Gone was the 'me' in the equation.

I struggled with this for weeks, feeling morose and lost without the people that lifted me up each day. Gone was the hopes of finding a companion after 4 years of intentional singleness, and a few months of looking. I was entrenched in a kitchen for 35 hours a week, sweating and fending off depravity, sadness and anger.

Little did i know, the spiritual war i was looking for years prior, was already here; and had been here before I even arrived on this planet. The front line of this war, the deepest trench with the most dangerous artillery is right inside me; in my heart.

All my life I had moved a few times a year, being more vagabond then anything else. Now God had me in this small town for 10 years, not moving - and as I put it: treading in Lake Jedediah. Now not only was I not moving physically, but I wasn't moving in the Gospel - at least not moving forward, I thought.

Boy was I wrong. The Roots dropped me to the ground, remembering what it smells like, what it tastes like. This wonderful thing below our feet that we all take for granted. The gospel education, and subsequent growing pains associated with that gave me strength to stand up and look around me. The solitude for these last 2 years has given me the opportunity to stand my ground, look around - listen and appreciate all that is around me, and to hear Him in my life.

I now believe that all these last 6 years has been preparation spiritually, mentally, and emotionally - for the next vagabond stage in my life. Instead of being for me, it's for Him. I can only go where I'm called, do what he tells me to do - even when; especially when - it brings me nothing in return.

A big thanks to everyone that has touched my life these years, the ten hour discussions, two hour arguements in staff meetings, the hugs, kisses, marriages, conflicts, victories, and 'ah ha!' moments that have transpired that have brought me to today; a mere weeks from embarking on a journey to Philadelphia where I have no plans to do anything in particular, except follow His lead. I have no control, I have no job lined up, no groups to see...I walk in faith this time and look forward to the sufferings, joys, defeats, victories, and paved road to His glory.

God is awesome, and he used the Roots to educate me into a spiritual space that can rely on Him fully, and bring His word to myriads of different personalities as my gift relates to them. It's been 7 long years since I walked into that church and got shown love that does not exist on this world.

I look forward to leaving my extra sandals at home, taking only the water that will last me a day, thinking not what to say when I am persecuted, and moving further into Him; in faith - of which would not have been possible without God intersecting my life with RL church, Roots, and two years of 'solitary confinement'.

And I will do it with joy; always.

My curse or my blessing?

God gave me something when I was young, though I didn't really get a handle on it until I turned 26. The something He gave me was the ability to see and hear things in people that aren't necessarily spoken.  I often found myself wondering why I was so good at manipulating people when I was young, getting whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it, from whomever I wanted it from. I used this 'sense' for my own gain over and over again, damaging and destroying lives and leaving the flames to move on to another victim.

Right around the time I turned 26 I realized that this sense could be used for other means, by this time I had come back to God, begun clearing my past of the pains I had caused, seeking forgiveness and dedicating my life to meekness instead of manipulation. I started finding myself counseling people around me, speaking into their lives in ways that only this 'sense' could allow me. Reading into people's hearts and cutting away fat to get to the brokenness inside and helping them turn towards Him.

This gave me satisfaction, and as such created a new problem - the 'sense' and the work that He does through me became the idol, and until perhaps 5-6 weeks ago, I went through a period of mourning when I used this sense to help someone - and failed. I began blaming myself and becoming unhappy. Thanks to a good friend, I was able to receive truth in my life and turn away from this idol and re-acquire His glory in my life.

Here's the new problem, and it's two fold.

1) Whether I like it or not, I see, hear, and feel these things about people every minute of every day. All the people around me, its akin to reading peoples thoughts and not being able to turn it off - except I am able to read people's emotional states and feel it; and I can't turn it off. Basically, in the work environment I am in, I feel pain and sorrow most of the time from those around me. It's become heightened as of late, most of the time it's subliminal, I read it underneath what I'm feeling already - and lately it's been taking over what i'm feeling and replacing it.

2) For years the truth has given me space to speak into people's lives in a positive way - even when the truth seems like it would hurt more than do good, I've seen Him work miracles in conversations where people respond favorably and get new choices. That is, until today. Today I spoke truth into a Christian sisters' life and I got persecuted for it. (We'll call her J) The silly thing is, I wasn't even speaking a hard truth about her, I was speaking about her friend (We'll call her G) - who I've seen, heard and felt; using J in ways that J can't even fathom. After weeks of observing this toxic relationship, J texted me and asked if I had seen or heard from G, that she was worried - again.

In that moment I felt compelled to speak the truth about the situation to J, about G. You see, I have a particular insight into G because her behavior reflects what mine was like when I manipulated people for my own gain. It's almost text book, and I conveyed this sentiment to J.

To my surprise J defended G and persecuted me for being short sighted, selfish and 'always seeing the negative' in people. Each time I tried to explain the ways the manipulation was taking hold, J always turned it back on me, as if "I" had some stake in this.  It was the first real resistance I've had and has brought me to this place:

Is this 'sense' a gift or a curse? Why is it so hard to walk away when I see the solution so clearly?

You see, I don't have a stake in this, I get nothing from helping people if it's possible. No cash prize, no medal, and most of the time, no thanks. And that's fine with me - but to be persecuted for it?


I don't know - I suppose part of me wants to be right. And part of me see's two human beings, burning in a fire of blindness, naivety, emotional voidness, and brokenness - and when I put my hand out, they coil up in the flames and tell me, "We're better off here".

I wonder how many people every day say the same thing to Jesus?

A Journey Comes

On June 29th, 2011 - I will be on the road to Philadelphia to bunk with my friend Coz, and do God's work in whatever fashion or means He directs me to do.

This has been a long time coming, seven years in fact. In my life, I have not lived in the same city more than two years, yet God directed me to the Clermont area ten years ago, and I have been here ever since. Why, you might ask?

I think i know the answer. Growth. Spiritual growth, emotional healing, and a peace in Him that i never had before. It's like the longest surgery in the world, and i feel now like I can walk from the hospital room and embark into the world, spreading His name from my heart.

He has kept me very safe, and very provisioned for this long walk in the desert.  Though I often times did not acknowledge it, or see it - it was there; HE was there, IS here.

He has led me to people along the way that have guided my path, and I theirs. I now feel He is leading me to a new place, to become transient again - without the wake of destruction behind me, but a space full of possibility in front of me.

I pray for Kl tonight, as the bonds have finally been severed, and she is now completely in His hands, without my interference. What possibilities lie there, I do not know - nor shall I ponder. All things in His time and within His will.

Amen.

Going home

It's been a long time since I've been home, and this Wednesday I will be flying out to see my family for one week. I'm pretty excited, since I will get to meet my new nephew Emmit, and see my brothers; as well as my cousins, aunt, and uncle.  There is a place on this earth where I can literally drop all the weight off my shoulders and let my heart rest - and that is Newry, Maine. I will spend 3 days there and I can't wait.

I have activated mobile templates for this blog, so going to it should give you a nice screen view that fits your resolution, and might be blogging from my phone.

Very soon I will be posting 'Conversations' somewhere here - separately from the blog posts. Stay tuned for "Disease" and "Justice".

Resurrected!

At the behest of friends and family who believe in my ability to write, and convey ideas; I have resurrected this blog to begin getting these ideas out of my head. Buckle up and hold on tight - we're all in for a ride! The future of this blog may or may not include video blogging - first I need a decent camera. Baby steps.