God gave me something when I was young, though I didn't really get a handle on it until I turned 26. The something He gave me was the ability to see and hear things in people that aren't necessarily spoken. I often found myself wondering why I was so good at manipulating people when I was young, getting whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it, from whomever I wanted it from. I used this 'sense' for my own gain over and over again, damaging and destroying lives and leaving the flames to move on to another victim.
Right around the time I turned 26 I realized that this sense could be used for other means, by this time I had come back to God, begun clearing my past of the pains I had caused, seeking forgiveness and dedicating my life to meekness instead of manipulation. I started finding myself counseling people around me, speaking into their lives in ways that only this 'sense' could allow me. Reading into people's hearts and cutting away fat to get to the brokenness inside and helping them turn towards Him.
This gave me satisfaction, and as such created a new problem - the 'sense' and the work that He does through me became the idol, and until perhaps 5-6 weeks ago, I went through a period of mourning when I used this sense to help someone - and failed. I began blaming myself and becoming unhappy. Thanks to a good friend, I was able to receive truth in my life and turn away from this idol and re-acquire His glory in my life.
Here's the new problem, and it's two fold.
1) Whether I like it or not, I see, hear, and feel these things about people every minute of every day. All the people around me, its akin to reading peoples thoughts and not being able to turn it off - except I am able to read people's emotional states and feel it; and I can't turn it off. Basically, in the work environment I am in, I feel pain and sorrow most of the time from those around me. It's become heightened as of late, most of the time it's subliminal, I read it underneath what I'm feeling already - and lately it's been taking over what i'm feeling and replacing it.
2) For years the truth has given me space to speak into people's lives in a positive way - even when the truth seems like it would hurt more than do good, I've seen Him work miracles in conversations where people respond favorably and get new choices. That is, until today. Today I spoke truth into a Christian sisters' life and I got persecuted for it. (We'll call her J) The silly thing is, I wasn't even speaking a hard truth about her, I was speaking about her friend (We'll call her G) - who I've seen, heard and felt; using J in ways that J can't even fathom. After weeks of observing this toxic relationship, J texted me and asked if I had seen or heard from G, that she was worried - again.
In that moment I felt compelled to speak the truth about the situation to J, about G. You see, I have a particular insight into G because her behavior reflects what mine was like when I manipulated people for my own gain. It's almost text book, and I conveyed this sentiment to J.
To my surprise J defended G and persecuted me for being short sighted, selfish and 'always seeing the negative' in people. Each time I tried to explain the ways the manipulation was taking hold, J always turned it back on me, as if "I" had some stake in this. It was the first real resistance I've had and has brought me to this place:
Is this 'sense' a gift or a curse? Why is it so hard to walk away when I see the solution so clearly?
You see, I don't have a stake in this, I get nothing from helping people if it's possible. No cash prize, no medal, and most of the time, no thanks. And that's fine with me - but to be persecuted for it?
I don't know - I suppose part of me wants to be right. And part of me see's two human beings, burning in a fire of blindness, naivety, emotional voidness, and brokenness - and when I put my hand out, they coil up in the flames and tell me, "We're better off here".
I wonder how many people every day say the same thing to Jesus?
